Friday, July 28, 2006

Obsessed with my Exterior

Most days I don't feel like I want to abandon my bulimia. It kind of is like exercising, no pain, no gain. This is sick justufucation, but again I am selfishly not giving up this eating disorder. When I hear other women speak about thier pain, shame and guilt that bulimia causes them this is not me at this time. It use to be before I ever stepped foot in the rooms of the Anonymous Fellowships. Now I am really in a new place in this disease.

My obession with self seems to be intensifying. I bought a pair of $300 Gucci sunglasses last week and seem to be shopping frequently. I trust that my disease is conforming into other behaviors now that I am sober. Just as my alcohol did at one time, these addictive behaviors work for me right now.

I don't get it, but am exposing myself so I can get desperate enough to feel like shit and begin recovering from the new reborne behaviors I am struggling with -- struggling? Not sure.

Monday, July 24, 2006

In battle with Bulimia again!

Hello World,

I need to get the toxic obsessive thoughts that consume my mind OUT. I have another blog, but need to keep them seperate. I have been sober in the fellowship of AA and my embrace of God for a little over a year. However, after 7 months and 1 day of abstinence from Bulimia I opened the door once again and welcomed the old time friend back.

These are the pages of a bulimic warrier, I fight a new battle that is progressive and more harsh than ever. I slipped by eating a healthy salad, Go Figure. All it took was a simple thought . . . that thought of instant gratification. In sobriety I have had moments of "one day at a time" and even "one minute at a time." With the BPs, I am powerless yet am buying into being in sole control. It is an illusion, and I ask God to forgive me everyday as I figure out a way to give back my Will to him.